I want to smile again, without feeling guilty.
I want to miss you, without coming undone.
I want to celebrate your life, without my heart breaking.
If there’s a good side of grief, I’ve yet to reach it. It’s not getting any easier.
Time isn’t helping. Some days I feel as if the pain deepens.
The roads ahead seem longer without you walking them beside me.
It’s like I’m resistant to joy.
Pushing back against my own happiness.
I’m afraid that healing means forgetting, and I’m not ready to leave.
Let me sit here for a little while longer.
There are things I needed to tell you that I never got the chance to.
Things you deserved to hear....I’m sorry.
I’m sorry for not doing more.
If it was possible to bear your pain, I would have.
Even when distant, my world was better because you were in it.
I was always proud of you.
My love for you is constant, unconditional, eternal.
There are pieces of you I’m discovering in me. Little gifts you unknowingly left behind.
Even your absence is filled with moments worth revisiting.
Maybe instead of learning how to live without you, I’ll just bring the best of you with me.
Maybe we're not meant to move on, we're meant to move with.
All My Love, Dad. XX
This candle was first lit on the 16th of April and will burn for 2 more days.